I know the holidays are right around the corner and everyone is riding that Christmas high, however, I'm going to pull a bit of a Grinch move and publish this post that I have been holding onto for a while. It's a letter to each of my exes. It's personal, it's honest, it's a bit brutal (of course), and even a little cringe-worthy. So all in all... the R+M brand, lol. I hope you guys reading can take something away from this post:
Dear M,
I had a crush on you all throughout middle school and I remember I used to get butterflies when I saw you'd be on AIM the same time as me. I couldn't believe my luck when you asked me on a date in high school. In my mind, we were a match made in heaven. We were both great soccer players and you were so charming, handsome, and funny. You were my first love, my first time, my first pretty much everything when it came to a relationship. You used to tease me relentlessly because you loved the reaction you'd get from me. You would try to exercise your intelligence over me to get what you want, thankfully I was (and still am) too self-assured and stubborn to ever let that happen. I remember visiting you at college when I was still in high school and seeing how different you acted now that you had no supervision. No surprise, our relationship started to deteriorate when I went to college in Georgia and started getting attention from other guys. They were nicer to me than you were so I never felt bad about cheating on you with them. You were insufferable every time we talked and even when you visited me you were miserable to be around. Thank god you went through my phone during Christmas break and broke up with me. I'm so thankful for you because you taught me a lot, you were really romantic in the beginning which I found I really like in a guy. However, I learned I couldn't stand how you would talk down to me because you thought you were smarter than me, newsflash you aren't. I hope you're doing well though!
Dear R,
I don't have many nice things to say about you. Overall, you were a complete waste of a person. I'd call you a sociopath because you cheated on me with a girl I knew (without a condom) and then spent Thanksgiving with my family a few weeks later, however, you aren't smart enough to be a sociopath. You are actually one of the dumbest people I've ever had the displeasure of knowing. I used to look back at our 1.5 years together and thoroughly regret it and wish it never happened. Now... I look back and am probably most thankful for our relationship than any other relationship. Why you may ask? Because you taught me to not take any shit. After all the bullshit you put me through I made a promise to myself to never ever let someone treat me that way. I now can sense the warning signs/red flags right away and cut it off immediately because you taught me guys like you aren't worth my time. I did see you not too long ago and you apologized to me for treating me so horribly. I accepted your apology and wished you well while also saying a silent prayer for your next victim you soul-sucking waste of space. Hope your parents are doing well though, they are really nice people.
Dear R,
Of all my boyfriends you were my favorite. I remember meeting you at a party in college and being enamored in your sense of humor. You weren't the guy I normally went for. You were tall (which yes that's a must-have) and gangly and you also didn't really dress well. But, I liked you because you made me laugh all the time and were so into me. You and the other R actually overlapped at one point because I was in the process of ending it with that loser when I met you. I'm really thankful for you because you treated me how I knew I should be treated. I was full-blown in love with you and I know you felt the same. Once I graduated and you still had a few years left it was clear it wasn't going to work. We were used to seeing each other 24/7 to suddenly being apart weeks at a time. We broke up and went back and forth with our feelings. You really changed and became a different version than who I originally fell in love with. You became pretty selfish and suddenly had no regard for how your actions made me feel. I'm thankful for our time together because you made my last few years of college really fun. I know you have a new girlfriend now and I just wanted to tell her you're welcome. Why you might ask? Because you were horrific in bed when we first starting dating and I made you good.
There have been other guys I've had feelings for since my last relationship with R. The most impactful and recent was B who I really, really liked and we have so much fun whenever we are together. When we are together he made me feel exactly how I want to feel when I'm with someone: cared about, beautiful, and special. However, when I told him how I feel he told me he only really liked having sex with me and we'd never work because my personality is too harsh. Yeah... he actually fucking said that. This all went down very recently and it still hurts to think about. At first it made me question who I am as woman. Am I really too harsh? Is that why I'm single? I immediately regretted telling him how I feel but now that I've had some time to reflect I'm really thankful I did. He showed me who he really was with his words and I know I shouldn't have feelings for someone that feels that way about me.
I know some of you reading this may be questioning why I posted this today. To me, it's important to take an inventory of your relationships and list out the things you learned from each person. I've been single for around three years and I think it's exactly where I'm supposed to be in my life. I'm focusing on my career, having fun, and enjoying my life as much as I can. If someone comes along and can add positivity to my life then that's great, however I don't NEED that to happen.
So... thanks for reading my diary, lol. Feel free to send me a DM with your thoughts about this post. I encourage all of you to review your relationships and find what you can take from each one. I hope you all have a great holiday and set some serious goals for 2019. For my ladies: I am getting micro-needling done today and will have a post up about it next week with some before and after pictures as well! I'm hoping it will help with the acne scars on my cheeks from when I lived in Florida.
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